And already you're probably thinking 'What?'
Well, in the last couple of days I had two experiences that really changed how I felt about the human condition (kind of I think, I'm trying really hard to word this correctly). I don't really know how to introduce things, but here's what happened.
1. I was buying groceries around 9 o'clock at night. I had no plans for the rest of the evening and this was supposed to be about the one productive thing I was going to do all day. I went to a self-checkout lane; not one of the small ones, but an 'unlimited item' one, with a long conveyor belt (hopefully you know what I mean). There was only one person in front of me, a youngish looking middle aged woman, looked like a mom. She was about to pay, so I figured it would go really quickly. She ended up messing up her pin about four times, having to call who I assume was her husband to verify that she was typing in the correct numbers. I believe that in the end she had been hitting cancel instead of enter. It took probably ten to fifteen minutes to get everything figured out, then she had to pay part in cash, she was obviously struggling financially and had foodstamps and coupons. She looked super stressed and on the verge of tears. The shop attendant had had to come over at least three times and the lady was super apologetic. She turned around and told me how sorry she was a couple of times.
As this was happening, I just kept thinking about how many people would have been super annoyed and gone into a diferent lane and I almost did the same, but I didn't have anywhere to go, so why? I felt so bad for the woman that I got a bit of a lump in my throat. I would have payed for her groceries, but she was buying over hundred dollars worth of stuff and I'm a broke college student. I just kept thinking about how rude I could imagine so many people would be and how bad I would feel in her situation.
As it turned out, she was super sick, "you know that kind of sick where you just don't want to move, everytime you stand up your knees feel like they're going to give out," I believe is how she explained it. We had a bit of a conversation while she was bagging up all of her groceries and while at first I had judged her as a bit of a white trash soccer mom, she was SUPER nice. She kept apologizing and while we were bagging up groceries together she kept saying "oh, go ahead, grab a bag, I'm the one in the way." We both bought the same tortillas and I think she accidentally ended up taking mine and hers, I didn't care. To the super sick soccer mom in meijer the other day, you keep those tortillas, you deserve those tortillas.
2. This second one is quite a bit shorter. Today I went and saw Sully in the move theater. A woman kept getting super emotional, very loudly throughout a lot of the movie. She'd laugh or go "YES!" and it was always exactly how I was feeling on the inside. It really made me happy that no one told her to quiet down. If anything, people started to join in a bit. We were all sitting in this dark theater experiencing this beautiful, emotional story together and that woman made us all feel connected, as cheesy as that sounds.
So what exactly is the importance of these moments? Human experience. Being patient and understanding and emotional and together. Living in the moment and showing kindness through every step on the journey of life. As cheesy as all this is, those two moments were two of the most surreal and eye-opening of my life.
So, that got off to a pretty depressing start, well, I won't lie. This isn't going to be an incredibly uplifting post. I am in the middle of my third week of college and I'm already behind on my homework. Okay, that doesn't sound too bad. I know what you're thinking; just set aside some time and get the reading/writing done. No, the problem goes deeper than that. The problem is that I am a master procrastinator and one of the laziest people you will ever meet. I've known this since about the age of 15. I kept telling myself that I would get better. I get new calendars and planners. I try to reset and reset my life over and over again. I save self-help articles on how to stop procrastinating and how to organize your life, but I rarely read them, and I never use any of the information. I tell myself that I am going to do my homework and then I get sucked into the vortex of youtube, or I go grocery shopping and clorox wipe the hell out of my bathroom and call it a day. "At least I've done something productive" I tell myself. Then reward myself with a couple more hours of youtube and then go to work if I have to. I tell myself that after a busy day of four classes and a bit of last minute, half-assed homework, I deserve a break. Homework can wait for my 1 class days. BUT IT NEVER GETS DONE. At the most, I will skim a reading or fill in a couple of questions. May I remind you that it is the THIRD week of school. I am already considering dropping out because it's not worth it if I'm just constantly anxious and never doing any work.
After that, I remember that it is my goal to get a degree, even if I don't use it. I remember that if I drop out I will probably work minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life, that I will never travel outside of the country and that I will be even more depressed than I am now. This spiral of procrastination and feeling bad about myself doesn't only revolve around school. This blog is not the first I've tried to make work. This is the one that's gotten the furthest (And I don't think I've posted in two weeks or more). This is also the one I spent money on, so...that might be part of it.
I've also wanted to start a youtube channel for years and years and years, but I always put it off. Until I get a good camera, until I have a great name, until I get editing software, until I live on my own, ect. It's never going to happen if I don't do it now. That's what I said two nights ago. Then I went to bed and decided that today I have too many classes to make a video and tomorrow I have to spend time with my grandma and my boyfriend...
Even though I have admitted that I have a problem and have made plans to fix it, I don't think I've gotten anywhere. So what is the solution? Do I shut down my social media and focus on school? Do I keep going with this blog and start a youtube channel? I feel very inspired to work hard now and get my school stuff done and all that, but will I feel the same tonight when I get home after two more long classes and teachers asking for unfinished homework?...I don't know
I wrote this to get all of that off of my chest. Writing has always been what makes me feel better, ever since I discovered journaling (another thing I put off even though it makes me feel better). This (although proof read) will remain relatively unedited and I hope that that makes it seem more authentic, and not like an unproffessional breakdown.
What do you think? Am I being a baby? Do I need an intervention? Is this something a lot of people go through? Share your opinions and experiences in the comments below, or share your personal story with me through a contact form and we can go through the tumultuous journey of university together!
Thanks for reading!