Well, that explains most of it. In 5 days I am moving from Michigan to Oregon with one of my best friends. Why? Why not?
I didn't do well in college and I had some money saved up so I decided to move across the country just to experience something new.
I was gonna write a huge, long, diary style post about my feelings, but it just feels unnecessary. I've lived in Michigan for my entire life and for years I've been thinking about moving away (even though I really love where I live). I just want to experience something diferent and live far away from my parents (even though I really love them). As you might guess, I'm pretty darn excited. I'm a little stressed and a little scared, but at the end of the day if I let my fear dictate what I do I'll never accomplish anything.
For a lot of my life I've allowed fear to control a lot of what I do, cleverly coming up with other excuses. This is hopefully the begining of me putting myself out there and allowing myself to do whatever I want to do.
So, that got off to a pretty depressing start, well, I won't lie. This isn't going to be an incredibly uplifting post. I am in the middle of my third week of college and I'm already behind on my homework. Okay, that doesn't sound too bad. I know what you're thinking; just set aside some time and get the reading/writing done. No, the problem goes deeper than that. The problem is that I am a master procrastinator and one of the laziest people you will ever meet. I've known this since about the age of 15. I kept telling myself that I would get better. I get new calendars and planners. I try to reset and reset my life over and over again. I save self-help articles on how to stop procrastinating and how to organize your life, but I rarely read them, and I never use any of the information. I tell myself that I am going to do my homework and then I get sucked into the vortex of youtube, or I go grocery shopping and clorox wipe the hell out of my bathroom and call it a day. "At least I've done something productive" I tell myself. Then reward myself with a couple more hours of youtube and then go to work if I have to. I tell myself that after a busy day of four classes and a bit of last minute, half-assed homework, I deserve a break. Homework can wait for my 1 class days. BUT IT NEVER GETS DONE. At the most, I will skim a reading or fill in a couple of questions. May I remind you that it is the THIRD week of school. I am already considering dropping out because it's not worth it if I'm just constantly anxious and never doing any work.
After that, I remember that it is my goal to get a degree, even if I don't use it. I remember that if I drop out I will probably work minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life, that I will never travel outside of the country and that I will be even more depressed than I am now. This spiral of procrastination and feeling bad about myself doesn't only revolve around school. This blog is not the first I've tried to make work. This is the one that's gotten the furthest (And I don't think I've posted in two weeks or more). This is also the one I spent money on, so...that might be part of it.
I've also wanted to start a youtube channel for years and years and years, but I always put it off. Until I get a good camera, until I have a great name, until I get editing software, until I live on my own, ect. It's never going to happen if I don't do it now. That's what I said two nights ago. Then I went to bed and decided that today I have too many classes to make a video and tomorrow I have to spend time with my grandma and my boyfriend...
Even though I have admitted that I have a problem and have made plans to fix it, I don't think I've gotten anywhere. So what is the solution? Do I shut down my social media and focus on school? Do I keep going with this blog and start a youtube channel? I feel very inspired to work hard now and get my school stuff done and all that, but will I feel the same tonight when I get home after two more long classes and teachers asking for unfinished homework?...I don't know
I wrote this to get all of that off of my chest. Writing has always been what makes me feel better, ever since I discovered journaling (another thing I put off even though it makes me feel better). This (although proof read) will remain relatively unedited and I hope that that makes it seem more authentic, and not like an unproffessional breakdown.
What do you think? Am I being a baby? Do I need an intervention? Is this something a lot of people go through? Share your opinions and experiences in the comments below, or share your personal story with me through a contact form and we can go through the tumultuous journey of university together!
Thanks for reading!